Stupid TV Show Plots

by: Jonathan 'Cao Cao' Kos-Read

Many expats, in the frightening moment before they manage to push the AV button on their DVD remote, are exposed to the strange, hummocked wasteland of Chinese TV. It is peopled with weirdos in poofy dynastic hairdos, brave, careworn heroes in little green hats and the occasional flashy-lights-and-smoke thing where people in odd clothes sing screechy songs. But as I said, most of you have only caught brief, frightened glimpses of this strange world.

So this month, I'll tell you about it. I'll introduce you to this world by telling you about the plots of three of my most recent shows. Something that, I have to admit, I'm pleased to have the opportunity to do. Because one of the little tragedies of my life is that foreigners don't watch the shows and Chinese, who are used to them by now, don't think they're funny. So I chuckle alone.

But not today.

The first plot was based on a true story: A few years ago, this Chinese dude was studying in the US and then one day he whacked out and shot all his teachers and then killed himself. This really happened, it's not made up. And because it was so fucked up and tragic, everybody was like, “damn that would be such a cool TV show.” The plot, in the show that was finally made, went like this:

X, a bright and honest physics student arrives in America. He is determined to succeed in this new exciting world. But has trouble adjusting. Americans are strange. His Chinese girlfriend becomes a stripper. He falls in love with pistol packing chick cop. His roommate (me) is a crazy gun nut who seduces him into the exciting and dangerous world of packin' heat. His physics professor likes to tie up his secretary and rape her all the time (and because that kind of thing is normal in America she always just goes back to work the next day, but she's kind of sad). As his life spirals out of control, as his prof rapes his stripper girlfriend and steals his research, as his roommate plies him with guns and sleeps with his sister, as his best friend learns how to be American and so bangs both his ex and his new girlfriend, something in X snaps . . . . . and he takes his revenge on America.

The plot of my next show was about medicine. For a while now, there have been all these (alleged) scandals about tainted Chinese products – toothpaste that blinds kids, dog food that makes Fido die in agony, lead painted toys that make your three year old sweetie retarded. If somebody wanted to solve this problem, to spotlight how it could happen and how it could have be prevented, a TV show is the perfect vehicle. So one was made. The plot went like this:

I run an American company. My American company makes fake medicines in China. Not only are the meds fake and kill Chinese people, they also “change their DNA”. So then they need another medicine, one that (conveniently) my company also makes. It turns out that only Traditional Chinese Medicine can save them (the good natural kind, not tiger penises and aardvark testicles and shit like that) And so the heroes go off on a desperate, time pressured, DaVinci Code style search for the twigs and dirt that will change all their DNA back to normal. The actors got to say all kinds of cool lines like, “But we only have ten hours to find the tree bark!”

The third show was about AIDS. AIDS is a growing problem in China, a problem that can be attacked with good education. Here was the plot of my show:

A big American athletic wear company hires a Chinese “Hero Athlete” to be the face of its shoe brand. They spend millions of dollars on an ad campaign. They roll out this big extravagant thing and then suddenly . . . . they discover their guy is infected with HIV (he got it from shaking hands). And they freak out. What are they going to do?! They have choices. They could, for example, slowly push the guy aside, or they could talk to him and allow him to step down. But none of that pussy shit for this company. They find me, an assassin, and they send me to China to kill him. The rest of the show is about how we circle around each other as I try to get him and he slips away each time. And the show is really educational too. For example instead of having something boring like he got the virus from IV drug use or sex, (realistic but zzzzzz, so dull) he got it in a complex revenge plot by a disgruntled bank robber who he beat up with an umbrella as the dude tried to escape from a heist.

And so now, next time you turn on the TV, you can linger a bit on the, now slightly less frightening site before you, now enlightened, now knowing, if only in some small way, what they are talking about. And the vibration of your little smile will spread out through the universe and I won't feel so alone.