I'm Famous

By: Jonathan “Cao Cao” Kos-Read


I’m famous.

Really. People want my autograph. They take pictures with me. In restaurants, they yell and wave, “Hey Cao Cao!” I wave back and, because it’s all so new, I fuckin’ love it.

The interesting thing though is, now that I’m famous I’ve been figuring out all this stuff about why stars are the way they are, and so, like a spy into the world of fame, here’s my secret report.

Why do stars wear dark glasses?

It’s a common misconception that stars wear dark glasses so as not to be recognized. “How stupid are they?” the man-in-the-street snarks, “Don’t they realize that makes them stick out even more?” But I now know the truth; he is making a mistake of analysis.

The star isn’t wearing the large dark sunglasses in order to protect, Clark Kent style, his secret identity. It is for another reason entirely.

Imagine what it’s like to be a star. You sit in a restaurant. Everywhere you look, everybody you look at, is looking back at you. And it’s creepy. They all nod at you. They wave.

But if you wear dark glasses, no one can be sure where you’re looking, “Oh look!” the fan thinks when he spots you, “Is he looking at me or something behind me. I’ll nod and wave . . . oh, he must be looking behind me,” when in fact, you, the star are thinking, “damn glad I brought my sunglasses.”

The sunglasses relieve you of the responsibility of responding to eye contact.

How should you sign autographs?

Say you’re mobbed by a crowd of girls, all peeing their pants for your autograph. You, an obliging soul, want to give it to them. But they’re so excited, pushed to such stratospheric heights of ecstasy by the frisson of your proximity that your poor hand is jostled to and fro with such ferocity that you are physically prevented from even putting pen to paper. What does the friendly, right-thinking famous person do in this situation?

Many people (who aren’t famous) say, “I would just like tell them, like really firmly, step back man, just like step back or that’s it, I just can’t sign any more autographs.” And the first time I got mobbed, I did that. But here’s the problem, the girls know there is limited time and at some point, the vicissitudes of fame will pull you out of their dreary lives. It’s this knowledge that drives a brutal natural selection. The most aggressive girls get their books signed first. The others watch and learn. Things quickly spiral out of control.

And herein lies the solution: they aren’t really shoving their notebooks “in front of you” they’re shoving them into “the space from where you take the notebooks.” Your original mistake was allowing yourself to take the notebooks from the same place where you were signing them.

Follow these instructions: The crowd rushes you. You pull out a pen. They stab you in the chest with a hundred notebooks. You, the experienced famous person reach up, over their heads, and take the notebook out of the shy, trembling hands of the little wallflower in the back, sign it, reach back over and return it to her.

They learn fast. After probably two such cullings they’ll cluster around an imaginary spot in the air two feet away from you, still frantic and peeing with worry but now stabbing the air instead of your chest leaving you free to bestow your John Hancock on all those little fans who make you feel so special.

Why are stars assholes?

Everybody who isn’t famous yet says, “I wouldn’t change man.” But of course, everybody does. Why?

First, being famous is like being a hot girl. After years of guys talking to you just because they want to see your pussy you get jaded and just treat all guys like shit. Think how you treat those dork Chinese college students who run up to you and say, “hey, do you want to be my foreign friend?!”

Being a star is the same. Everybody wants to be your friend so they can show you off to their real friends.

The second reason stars become assholes is: life is hard. Before you were famous you ate a lot of shit, steaming heaps of it every day. You did it because you weren’t the top dog, and when the top dog - your boss, your client, whoever - took a shit on you, you had to lick it up, smile and say, mmmm, that shit was soooo good. But now, you only have to be afraid of the audience – and they’re far away. As long as they love you, and watch shows just because you’re in them, whenever anybody you physically work with is incompetent, wants you to do something stupid or dicks you around in any way you can just let loose because your job doesn’t depend on them liking you.

Being a star lets you respond naturally to other people pissing you off.

How famous am I?

So having read this and, because you’re not Chinese, having no idea who the fuck I am, you might be curious and ask, “Jonathan, how big a star are you really? Are you really famous enough to tell me all this shit?” Well, interestingly, on the day I finished writing this, I had an experience that showed me just how famous I am: finally I was accosted by an eighteen year old chick.

“I’ve seen you on TV!” she squeeked.

“Yeah, I suppose you have.” I rumbled smoothly.

“You’re that guy!”

“I am that guy. Which show of mine do you like?”

She called frantically over to her friend and pointed to me, “Look, look, it’s Dashan!”